I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
