We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
