remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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