I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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