Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
