i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
