You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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