Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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