Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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