If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
