i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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