he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
