I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
