One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
