when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
