it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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