i used baking grease as lip gloss
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
