True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
