Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
