It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
