I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
