I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
