i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
