OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Randomize
