This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
