i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
