morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
