Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
