Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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