i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
