Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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