She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
