at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
