If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
