mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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