Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
