Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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