Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
