Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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