K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My balls are so social today.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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