i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
