Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
