I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
