Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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