I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
