I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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