If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
