on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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