I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
