..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
