seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
