im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
