I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
