he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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